I love playing with letters and words. Here are some “F” words that make a positive difference in my life:

Feelings - the “juice” of life. It’s our feelings with all of their ups and downs that make us alive. We have to work with our feelings and learn how to modulate them like a fine instrument, but they are part of us and here to stay. Denying them and “stuffing them” inside, causes them to erupt somewhere in our bodies.

Family – parents, children, and relatives are given to us. We do not choose them. The positive bonds we have with those who are part of our family bring us great rewards.
The challenge is working out our issues with those closest to us. But in doing so, we
have the fortitude to deal with obstacles and challenges.

Friends - those wonderful people we do choose who support us, love us and who are there for us.

Finances – having finances in balance and enough to support us is an important foundation in life.

Food – another foundation in life that brings us sustenance. We have to modulate and balance our choices and our quantities to bring us maximum energy.

Flowers - to me, flowers especially roses, are among the most beautiful things in life.
They give us color, texture, wonderful scents and a sense of comfort and peace.

Fun - puts the positive “glue” on things and can make safe what’s awkward, bring joy to pain, and lighten our hearts.

Here’s the scenario: It’s been a tough day at work with lots of demands from colleagues, clients, and customers, most of which remain unmet by the end of the day. You come home exhausted, frustrated, and cranky. You are met by your family excited to see you and want to talk to you. You are “spent” and burned-out. What to do?

Here’s some steps to consider to create balance in your work and home life so that you can enjoy both:
•take a 15 minute time out – to decompress and re-enter your home life
•allow a transition time at home to discuss work-related concerns followed by an equal amount of time for the family to air their issues
•make yourself a priority and schedule self-care
•set boundaries - learn to “say no” in spite of the guilt it brings
•create your work life to do what you like to do
•prioritize your top interests
•schedule family activities and schedule time together
•create mini-vacations
•“date” as a couple without discussing work issues
•set reasonable expectations
•get help with the things you don’t like to do
•surround yourself with people who support your goals

These simple suggestions take time to implement but are very effective in bringing work life balance and enjoyment back into your life. The key words here are self-awareness, self-care, connection, expectations and creating the time to have it all!

We are bombarded with images of what perfect is – perfect bodies, perfect houses, perfect jobs, perfect looks… all leading to perfect lives. At least that is what we are led to believe. RIGHT?

It looks like “those people,” whoever they are, have it all. Maybe some people do.  It all looks so good from the outside. But those perfect exteriors can be a “front” for unfulfilled lives.

I have friends who have had a long term marriage, are physically attractive, financially successful, recognized as community leaders, have accomplished children, lead orderly lives filled with family and travel. Yet, a deeper look tells me that what is missing is true honest connection and joy.

I have another set of friends with many of the same attributes of the friends just described, without the polished look. Their home is filled with people and laughter and total engagement. I may eat on a paper plate or have my food served from the baking dish, step over the box in the hallway, or sit on the not-so- comfortable couch, but the love and generosity in these people’s hearts overflows.

We are all imperfect. But it is when we are grateful for what we have with open hearts, our lives take on their own unique perfection.

Perfect is as perfect does.

I spent some time today walking in a park surrounded by the ocean. I felt so calm in this environment. It struck me, once again, about my need to be near the ocean and having access to feel my toes in the sand, the ocean air against my face, and just how much the ocean gives me a tranquilizing sense of freedom!  It also brought back childhood memories of being hyperactive and how being in or on the ocean would slowly “rock” my energy into a state of peace.

Sheilana Massey, D.D., the author of “Along the Path of Enlightenment” who was a guest on my Positive Living™ talk show several years ago, confirmed my personal feeling of the power of the ocean and our sense of well-being. Our discussion involved this connection: “The ocean has,” she explained, “almost exactly the same chemical and mineral components as our physical bodies. That’s why when we are near the ocean, are swimming in the ocean or walking on the beach there is an inner exchange going on.  We can actually resonate with the components of the ocean which brings us into a place of health.”

Perhaps it began because I spent my youth on the Connecticut shores. I “lived” in the water as a child; swimming, diving off the pier, playing and walking on the beach. Those days are some of my fondest memories of my childhood. I remember how my family would go out on the boat, catch fish, clean it, and sit on our picnic table enjoying eating fresh fish, lots of fresh corn on the cob and lobster, a plentiful ocean delicacy in New England.

As an adult, I have lived on the beautiful crystal coast of North Carolina and spent many days walking on the beautiful beaches. I was surrounded by sounds of the ocean waves and seagulls; sights of the blue-green waters, bright sun as it lowered its gaze toward sunset and smelling the salty-ness and misty air. What peace I felt!

Now that I’m back in New England, I realize how unique each shoreline actually is. The rocks and boulders in Rhode Island replace the crushed seashells of North Carolina.

This difference in texture of the shorelines between the north and south, defines my message. Here it is: When we can learn to appreciate differences, even though we have preferences, we can enjoy what we have in the moment.

From those childhood days, I have been happiest when I have lived near the ocean. So whether the ocean is north, south, east or west, it comforts me and as I look out at its vastness, I feel hope.

I’ve been thinking about the word power lately and what it really means. This word can overwhelm us when we think of how power is used in a negative way to control and manipulate others and situations.

I want to talk about power plays because they can wreck havoc on our emotions. Power plays go back and forth like a ping pong ball until the “winner” walks away feeling temporarily satisfied and the “loser” licks their wounds and retreats. This victim and victor scenario takes two to play, but it can be painful for the one who has lost the tug of war.

Why do we do this to each other? Is this human nature? Do we enjoy the game?
Some do and thrive on it. I think that the behavior comes from instilled patterns that take hold over time. For me, these power plays are exhausting. It takes so much energy to sustain them. And the “fix” or “high” of winning is short lived.

So how do you handle this rough and tumble game that puts you on a roller coaster of highs and lows?  You have to be willing to stand in your own power regardless of whose court the ball is in. I say, ‘Get out of the court.’ If you are with a strong player, chances are you will lose most of the time, with only  intermittent wins.

Here’s a metaphor for what the scene looks like. Jack and Jill go up the hill. Jack says something, Jill retorts, Jack and Jill go back and forth until they come tumbling down. This goes on until one of them gets up and goes home or they both have had enough for the day and they both go home. The problem with this scenario is that it is addictive and keeps repeating itself.

What hooks us is the temporary gain of feeling stronger when we walk away Notice I used the word “temporary,” because that is the operative word here. If it sounds like I am implying an addiction to this pattern of behavior, you are right. I am.

Now for the antidote. Stand in your power by taking these actions steps:
•get quiet and create an image of a ping pong ball that never stops and evaluate you feel
•next get an image of yourself standing tall as an oak tree. The wind is blowing and the weather is harsh, and you are still standing strong and tall.
•call a friend or friends who you respect for their strength and who is a “straight shooter” – they say what they mean and do not play games. Evaluate how you feel after spending time with them.
•the next time you are with the endless “ping pong” player, stand as an observer and watch how you feel.
•Then stand still and see yourself as powerful oak tree who can stand alone and be strong.

If these images do not appeal to you, then go back to the game that never ends, but remember if the other player thrives on this behavior and you stay, you’ll be there forever.

I say, ‘Stand in your own power!’ You may lose these types of people in your life, but if you practice the exercises above, you’ll be able to attract other strong oak trees who do not gain their power at your expense. What a relief and opportunity to bring a wholesome and healthy perspective into your life.

Images are all around us. We see them in the media, in nature, and in our own minds. The images in our “head” correlate to an emotion and can rule what we say, how we behave, and our thoughts.

Some images connote the negative; others the positive. Each image plays a significant role in our well-being that feeds our sense of harmony and balance with the world.

So how do we change negative images to positive ones? And are we safe in only having positive images as our guide?

First, let’s examine what images we have stored in our “computer brains.”  This seems simple enough, but make sure your list includes those images that may be associated with discomfort or pain.

Next, try the following exercise using your first impulse for an image to pop into your thoughts. Write down the image and its associated emotion or word, like happy, sad, scared, pleasant, unpleasant, soft, hard, kind, harsh, beautiful, ugly…you get the picture!

Here are mine:
•    When I say beautiful, my image is of a sunset on the beach. My feeling is one of hope.
•    For sad, I see a lost child crying for his or her mother. I feel loss and abandonment.
•    For kind, I see someone helping another across the street. I feel safe
•    For soft, I see billowy clouds in the sky. I feel light and uplifted.

Images are powerful and can change your state of mind. Use them when you are tired, scared, or unmotivated. They can shift your level of energy.

Consider this “imaging” exercise instead of doing a cross-word puzzle, computer game, or other mental exercise. You may discover a deeper understanding of who you are and why your emotions are so critical to your actions. To add some fun, get out your crayons or colored pencils and draw the images. When I do this, I feel like I am in kindergarten again!

Now let’s look at examining unpleasant images like those associated with fear, sadness, and emptiness. When I say the word fear,  I see an image of me standing at the edge of  a cliff with the wind blowing. After I have had enough of that image (WHEW), I change it to an image of walking away from the edge with a circle of people all around me. The alternative image certainly makes me feel loved, accepted and safe.

You can change negative images in this way to help you release the “stuck” pictures of the past. Sometimes these images are so strong, that you can not change them on our own. That’s when you call in the professional troops to help you.

But in so many cases, you can use positive images to help you stay positive and to transform the old negative images of the past. There is so much you can do to help yourself.  Images can heal. You have more tools in your toolbox than you realize.  It’s time to get them out of the box and use them!

For me, kindness is an essential part of the process for gaining long-term results. Now, you may question the correlation between words of encouragement and the reality of achieving goals. But let’s consider the following observations and sensibilities: Results are due to the amount of effort put forth, positive or negative.  We think of results as the end product of a process. Kindness plays a critical role in reinforcing the process. And words that support and give comfort make the difference as we move through the process.

From a personal perspective, recently I received strong reactions and constructive criticism from three sources in one day! I listened to the comments, considered the source, and tried to understand the meaning of the words. Each of the comments seemed true enough, but when I reflected on the exchange of words I know I would have embraced the concepts more readily if they had been delivered with more kindness.

What do you do when you receive feedback without kindness and compassion - feedback that hurts your sensitivities? Think about a time when you needed some reassurance or encouragement about your steps in the process. How did it feel when you felt encouraged? How did it feel when you felt discouraged? We can not change others. We can only change ourselves and the way we react to things. Our job is to create the environment where kindness and compassion exist.

Certainly, sensitivity plays a role. In my case, I consider my high sensitivity a gift, especially in my work as a radio talk show host. It helps me seeks out the true meaning of my guests’ words and share that with my listeners. Yet, it also challenges me to overcome feelings of rejection when my sensitivity gets the better of me.

Here’s what I do to help myself get through those times when more “sugar”  - kindness and compassion – is what I believe I need than more of the “spice.”

•    I make a list of what I have that is positive in my life.
•    I assess my progress in the last year by monthly quarters.
•    I think about the criticisms that have hurt my feelings
•    I ask myself honestly to find the truth in those criticisms.

Once I find the truth, I consider the source. Does that person delivering the message have a particular style that is blunt, strong or harsh?  If I respect this person for their knowledge, insight, wit, and wisdom, I then look to myself to rethink how I can benefit from their feedback without taking it personally.

I believe we can sustain results and achieve joy when we are nourished and fed with positive actions. Kindness, compassion, comfort, and peace are not often associated with results and success. Results and success are associated with images of a fitness center, test-taking, and climbing the corporate ladder. We think of kindness, compassion, and comfort as a day at the spa, a place of worship or in intimate moments with friends and loved ones.

Kindness should be king. Don’t you think? It goes a long way to lift our spirits, our energy level, and our motivation to make a difference.

So on a bad day when I feel “bruised”, I reflect on the issues stated above…then go ahead and draw a bubble bath for myself, listen to soothing music and my guided meditation tape, and jot down my gratitude list to my treasured friends. Then my spirits and my pen lift – once again.

Writing down my thoughts, desires, and wishes is a powerful incentive for me to flesh out my inner most feelings. When I write, I declare myself in ways that spoken words can not match. Writing seems to clarify my thoughts. Perhaps you feel the same way?

An acquaintance once suggested that in my desire to meet my soul mate, I might start my search by putting “pen to paper” and begin with a letter to him. Although my search continues, I have written several cherished letters that I will share with you, kind readers, in order to let you know that words have great meaning and do bring clarification to the process of organizing our thoughts and desires – whatever they may be.

I’d like to share two letters with you. The first is from me to him. The second is from “him” to me.

Here goes:

To My Beloved,
“I missed you tonight. I went to a concert. I sang along with the music and was moved enough to give the performers an enthusiastic applause. Toward the end of the evening, I watched as a couple hugged and I missed that chance of intimacy with you. I would have loved to hold your hand and feel a strong hug from you.

Next, my letter from my beloved to me…sounds strange? Not really. Remember, writing clarifies what’s on your mind and in your heart and soul.

Here goes:

To my love,

Your Beloved

Write a letter from your heart to your future beloved…or the one you love now!  Savor the words and think about them. Continue the process. Wait patiently… and watch what happens!

March 3, 2009.   8:20PM

Win-Win through QPN

We are all blessed with special talents; some apparent and some not so apparent. Some of us appear more gifted than others; none-the-less we are all unique in miraculous ways. We are singers, dancers, scientist, writers, doctors, lawyers, designers, teachers, counselors, actors, entrepreneurs, inventors, brick layers, stone masons….and the list goes on and on and on.

The hard part in our journey to discover our unique gifts is the realization of exactly what they are. Once known to us, we must embrace them wholeheartedly as our contribution to the world!

A solid clue to uncovering our gifts is listening to what other people compliment us about, which gives us the insight into our personal “talent pool.” For example, suppose someone says to you, “Oh, you are such a great writer” or “I really value you as a friend,” or, “You work so well with people, you must be a people person.” The notion that others may “see” us more clearly than we do ourselves is a truism, so pay close attention when others share a kind word.

It is important to recognize, accept, use, and build on our talents. In my case, people tell me I am a strong networker, catalyst, motivator and interviewer. Over the years, I have tried to nurture those gifts, knowing that internal and external success will come when I honor what is given to me. I also believe that raw talent coupled with hard work is an unstoppable combination.

I have developed a model to answer the question: “Am I on the right path?” It is called the QPN Model which helps match your personal and professional qualities to the needs of others. Each letter represents a key component in the QPN Model. Q stands for qualities, which are the qualities you bring to the situation such as empathy, competence and efficiency. The P stands for purpose, which is your purpose in working with the other person or group. The N represents the needs of your clients in a business setting or your friends and family in a personal setting.  My goal in this model is to create a win-win P=N. That occurs when your purpose is equal to the need of the other person or group so that everyone is satisfied with the outcomes. When you also match your qualities, the Q, to their needs, the N, you and the other party can relate more easily to each other.

Using the QPN Model, you create win-win situations that result in less stress and confusion all-around because you are genuinely working on the other person’s behalf while honoring your own needs.

Here are questions for you to consider in the QPN Model:

• Where do your talents and skills lie?
• What is your philosophy of life and work?
• Do you use initiative, innovativeness and intuitiveness in your work?
• How strong are your values and beliefs?
• What are the indicators that you are on the right path?
• How are you expressing your true purpose?
• What are you personal qualities or gifts that make you shine?
• How have you created win-win situations with others?

Using these questions can help you weave your skills, talents and abilities into positive alignment so you can reach your personal and professional vision of success.

There are instances in our lives when we cannot understand why certain things happen. Some people call them coincidences. Others believe they are
miracles. Still others discount them as mere chance. Let me share a personal experience with you. You decide whether it’s a coincidence, chance or miracle.

I was living in the Boston area, and my daughter Laura, was about three years old. Our steady babysitter was a family friend. One day I let her
borrow my car to run an errand. She came from a large family, and when she stopped at her house, one of her older brothers “took” the car.

I spent the whole next day on the phone with the police, frantically trying to locate my car. In desperation, I called my father, who was working in New York City. He reassured me that no matter how things turned out, everything was going to be okay.

The day after we spoke, in the late afternoon, my father called me and said, ‘You are not going to believe what I’m about to tell you. Today, instead of walking my usual route to the parking lot, I walked down a different street and there was your car on this side street in the middle of downtown Manhattan!” This was a ‘one in a million shot,’ to use my father’s words at the time, and I was stunned but also thrilled that my father found my car.
He immediately called the police. When the officers got there, they decided to remove the distributor so no one could start the car. My father took the distributor with him and called me as soon as he got home. Since my father worked in New York City, he said he would go back the next morning to make arrangements to get my car back home.

The next morning, when my father went to the street where the car had been parked, the car was gone. When he called to tell me the bad news, I told him the good news! My babysitter’s older brother, after taking my car on a joyride, realized his mistake and returned it to me in Boston. She told me later how panicked he was when he realized the distributor was
missing. We eventually got it all worked out.

What makes this story so amazing is that my father was able to find my car 250 miles from home in a city of tens of millions of people. The chances of coincidentally finding his daughter’s stolen car were miraculous. I believe there was a higher power at work. I believe it was fueled by prayer, trust and interconnectedness. I believe it included the power of a father’s love for his daughter.  My father and I have always had a deep connection - a psychic connection of sorts. It was ironic that he would be the one to find my car, especially under the peculiar circumstances. I’m still amazed when I think about the extraordinary ramifications of my “lost car” miracle.

So, what defines a miracle? Think about it…and remember when a miracle happened in your life and how you were impacted.